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New York City is #litty: A Satire

By: Russell Goychayev

Thanks to the latest and most significant advances in AI technology, orphans in New York City can now be legally adopted by self-aware AI robots, known as Daddy and Mommy AI. Finally! Those stupid orphans. Shame on them for having no parents. We can eliminate all of our problems with technology, can’t we? 

Don’t have any friends? Well, I have a solution for you! Download Instagram and make hundreds of meaningless connections through friends and followers. Watch Instagram stories all day about people with whom you haven’t had an in-person conversation within weeks. Fill your mind with delusions and misinformation about how Donald Trump is about to drop a diss track on Joe Biden. Lower your personal standards day after day as you consume information in a vacuum, like a dog eating turds on the sidewalk.

Ignore homeless people! Those goddamn smelly, irate bastards. Plug each of your AirPod Pros into your left and right nostrils and tune out all the bad vibes. Don’t make eye contact with them on the subway. Treat them like the subhumans they are.

Social skills? We don’t need ‘em! Don your shiny AirPod Max and embark on war in New York. Purchase multiple $7 Starbucks Lattes 365 days per year, multiple times a day, to fuel your profound lifestyle. Smoke nic in the bathroom. Hit your cart whenever you feel stressed. Put down your homework and put some Big Macs into your mouth. That’ll show you.

Get a college degree for a lifestyle you don’t want to live. Go to parties every weekend. Do drugs and don’t stay in school. When you attend your classes (billed at $1420 per credit), whip out your $3,000 laptop and start playing Valorant. Mope about all your problems. Possess introspection skills and the emotional IQ of a caterpillar. Place labels on people that you don’t know so that your hatred can fuel your awesome lifestyle.

We live in the greatest city in the world, don’t we?

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